Reflections from the Seat of an Old Tractor

Old Farmer's Advice:

-Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

-Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

-Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

-A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

-Words that soak into your ears are whispered…...not yelled.

-Meanness don't just happen overnight.

-Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

-Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

-It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

-You cannot unsay a cruel word.

-Every path has a few puddles.

-When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

-The best sermons are lived, not preached.

-Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.

-Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

-Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

-Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

-Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

-Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

-If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

-Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

-The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

-Always drink upstream from the herd.

-Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

-Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

-If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

-Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.

-Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

And.........................................

The Stresses of Life

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked;
'How heavy is this glass of water?'

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'

He continued, 'And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or
later, As the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water,
You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.'

'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.'

So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've
rested a while.

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Oregon and said:

"Once again, the earth has become evil and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector

about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the

Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boat load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals theASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agencyruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with theHuman Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky." 

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

" The Government beat me to it."

Morning Motivation

When I woke up this morning lying in bed, I was asking myself: what are some of the secrets of success in life?

I found the answer right there, in my very room.

AND NOT TO FORGET, THE CARPET SAID...

KNEEL DOWN AND PRAY. 

Carry a Heart that Never Hates.

Carry a Smile that Never Fades.

Carry a Touch that Never Hurts. 

HAVE A PURPOSEFUL DAY IN THE LORD! 

God Blesses Us To Be A Blessing Unto Others

"for I know the plans I have for YOU, declares the LORD" 

Jeremiah 29:11

Never give the devil a ride, he will want to take over the driving."

Dear Person of God,

Be still for a while and praise God for His favor, His grace and His Awesomeness. God is able to do the impossible and is always near.

He loves us unconditionally.

Speeding in Oregon

GOOD: A Bend,Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a
12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton, Oregon. A $40 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

God's Little Post-It Notes

SUMBICH!

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. 

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, The host said, 'I have a 10 foot Man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. 

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. 

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy. 

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’

 
No thanks, I don't want it,' Answered Leroy. 

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said ‘No.’

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

Jokes that can be told in church

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem..

A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boys answered, 'Thou shall not kill..'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'

Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

The Reason...

I know there are times in life that we do things we don't understand. We do things because 'that is the way it has always been done.' We are curious as to why we do these things and so we ask. Of course, even those who tell us to do these things often only have the same reason of do it cause it has always been done that way. I once asked this question of 'why?' and I was given an answer that did not make the task any more clear, but did give me an interesting perspective on some things. The story is as follows:


There was a group of scientists that were studying behavior in a group of 4 monkeys. To test out behavior modification, the scientists would put the 4 monkeys into a cage together. Ever once in awhile, the scientists would put a banana in the cage. Of course, the monkeys would go for the banana. When they did, the scientists would spray the monkeys with water. The monkeys quickly learned that they should not go for the banana when it was place in their cage.

The scientists decided to see if this behavior could be taught. So they took 1 of the monkeys out of the cage and replaced it with a new one. This monkey had never experienced what happened when you went for the banana. When the scientists put a banana in the cage, this new monkey started to go for it. The other 3 monkeys stopped the new monkey from getting it. It did not know why, it just learned not to go for the banana.

Over time, the other 3 monkeys were replaced with 3 new monkeys. Each one would initially go for the banana but would soon learn not to, because of the interference from the others.

So now the cage has 4 monkeys, none who have been sprayed down for going for the banana, but whenever a scientist puts a banana into the cage, none of them go for it.

The moral of this is that even though we may not always understand why we do things, there is often a valid reason for what we are doing. Someone before us experienced something that caused them to make a decision that now effects us today. The original danger may be gone, as well as the knowledge of what that danger was.

I am not saying we should not challenge (at times) the reasons behind what we do. What I am saying is that sometimes, there is a meaning, we just weren't there to have an understanding of the why. In that case, just do what you gotta do and move on.

Men at work...Seeing is not believing…

Yikes…Seeing is not believing…I know I wouldn't do any of this shit. These dudes are just plain crazy!
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Okay, I will admit that this next one is one that I might do...depending on what stuff i had to hold up the car and how secure it was.

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And if it really came down to it, I would probably do this also. If I was some place really hot and this was the only way to get shade for my lunch that is. 

Only in Texas

A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tailgate for dear life!

She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.

A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the local Bass Pro Shop.

The pick-up truck driver is a local TEXAS taxidermist with a great sense of humor!

Taxidermists are a twisted lot anyway!

And it is not a dog in the first Place; it is a Coyote.

Can you imagine how many people tried to stop this guy?

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers #1.
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4.
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5.
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7.
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8.
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? &n bsp; I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool!" .

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said,

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:

"Dave...............You are a veterinarian, you sick bastard!"