You can't fix stupid, even with a traffic cam!

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

Vatican Humor

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

' Excuse me, Your Holiness, ' says the driver, ' Would you please take your seat so we can leave? '

' Well, to tell you the truth, ' says the Pope, ' they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today. '

' I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? ' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

' Who's going to tell? ' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph... (Remember, the Pope is German..)

' Please slow down, Your Holiness! ' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

' Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

' I need to talk to the Chief, ' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.
' So bust him, ' says the Chief..

' I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, ' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, ' All the more reason! '

' No, I mean really important, ' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, ' Who do you have there, the mayor? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

Chief: ' A senator? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

Chief: ' The Prime Minister? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

' Well, ' said the Chief, ' who is it? '
Cop: ' I think it's God! '

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ' What makes you think it's God? '
Cop: ' His chauffeur is the Pope! '

~*~*~
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

See the picture...

The gentleman who drew this is Joe Castillo. He went to Asbury Theological Seminary.
He did this during a chapel service. It was fascinating - he told the Gospel story - each part of Jesus' life –
and he was drawing the story as he told the story.

We didn't realize until the end what the entire picture was. A rare talent!!!




The 'longer' you look at this picture, the 'more' you see.


Look at the lines the artist used to draw this picture of Christ...
It is of scenes from Christ's life.
I have not seen anything like this

Share this with a friend or two.
In the Circle of God's love, God's waiting to use your full potential.
May God Bless You and Yours!

MEN Only

MEN Only

by Brad Stine

My son is fifteen years old. For those of you that haven’t had the pleasure of raising a boy from infancy it’s really quite simple. You ‘re only role for the most part is to keep him from killing himself. Meanwhile he’ll be climbing anything he can find and searching for creative ways to break stuff. It’s also important to realize he’s fully convinced that he’s invincible which is the name of the game while being a boy who is becoming a young man.
Being a former boy myself none of this bothers me nor do I fret over it. My job as a dad is to guide my kids first through example and then through experience. I do this knowing full well that most of what I teach my child actually belongs more in the category of prophet than teacher. It basically works like this “ What I’m going to teach you is true, and it’s going to happen to you, but it isn’t going to be appreciated and accepted until after you do it yourself.”
We grow more from pain than pleasure and that’s just the deal. It’s almost like the only reason the parent is even there is for the satisfaction of being able to say I told you so. Trust me it’s a lot of fun because it makes me look like a genius when it comes to life lessons while the truth of the matter is I only know this stuff because I got to screw up first.
Another upside to being a dad to a boy/young man is it allows you to remember the unique male stuff that helped mold and create the one of a kind persona that is a man. This is stuff women cannot understand about us and quite frankly aren’t supposed to. God allows for gender specific attributes to remind boys to be sure they spend time with each other basking in the glow of knowledge that some sweet truths are only for us.
This brings up the topic I wanted to get to all along. It is something I have never seen written about a woman and thus makes it uniquely male. As a matter of fact if you are a woman reading this you need to stop now! I am about to enter a topic domain that is not for you and trust me, you are incapable of understanding without ridicule. The topic is of course, the fart. To a twelve year old boy on a sleep-over nothing is more salacious and culturally taboo then not only speaking of farts as often as possible but preferably working up a good ripe one to descend and overwhelm his buddies as proof of his superiority and masculinity.
What is uniquely common among the male species is that even though we laugh and mock any guy delivering a dreaded fart in our direction and we make sure he knows how putrid the smell is and how we despise it, when it emerges from our own nether regions it takes on somehow a sweet savor, an aromatic bouquet that only the connoisseur can truly appreciate. Kind of like a fine wine.
Farts for the most part smell the same. Boys know that for some reason though the smell emanating from someone else is horrid and putrid whereas the same substance coming with the same ferocity of fragrance is somehow not nearly as abhorrent when it’s our own. It’s kind of like sin I guess. I once heard the late Ed Cole make this interesting observation, “We tend to judge others by what they do, we judge ourselves by our intentions”.
That being said I’m here to tell you that I would recommend getting yourself a son at all costs. If you’re a mom I must forewarn you though it will come with a lot of angst, confusion and smells, which you will by no means understand. Then again you’re a woman, you’re not supposed to.

A little Biblical humor

It doesn't hurt to have a little Biblical humor to start the day. I know most of these are a bit cheesy, but that are still good.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
Little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David 's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles
were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson . He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua , son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'


KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES !!!!
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

Wouldn’t these be fun!!

You remember driving the bumper cars at a fair, don't you? They were so much fun. Well, now what do you do with old Bumper Cars? (and check out the license plates!) WHO KNEW?



















Yes, you read that right; these little beasties are street legal. They run on either Kawasaki or Honda motorcycle engines and co-opt vintage bumper car bodies into the most awesome form of mini-car
we've seen in too long.

There are seven of these little monsters floating around California , and they're all the creation of one man, Tom Wright, a builder in the outskirts of San Diego who figured the leftovers of the Long Beach Pike amusement park needed a more dignified end than the trash heap.

They were originally powered by two cylinder Harley Davidson Motorcycle engines but they rattled like heck because of the two cylinder vibration and Tom replaces them with four cylinder Honda or Kawasaki

750's and capable of 160 MPH, which is terrifyingly fast in machines with such a short wheelbase.

Ever wonder where they got the bacon cheeseburger from?

This is how a bacon cheeseburger is made.

It was sent to me by my doctor so I know it’s true.

Don’t bother checking Snopes...

Duct Tape or a Nail

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, 'Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.'

'Okay,' the man says, 'I was married to the same Woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, Even in my heart.'

'That's wonderful,' says St.Peter, 'that's worth two points!'

'Two points?!' he says.

'Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.'

'Terrific!' says St.Peter.. 'That's certainly worth a point.'

'One point!?!!'

'I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.'

'Fantastic, that's good for two more points,' he says.

' Two points!?!!

'Exasperated, the man cries. 'At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God.'

' Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!'

We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and duct tape.

God did it with a nail.



AMEN...

Pearls of Wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

    Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

    That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

11. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

15. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.

24. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

25. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

26. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

27. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are screwing!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're screwing?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

Daily dose of Perspective

One day , the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip , the father asked his son , "How was the trip?"

"It was great , Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah , " said the son.

"So , tell me , what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered:

"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us , but they serve others.

We buy our food , but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us , they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added , "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have , especially your friends!

"Life is too short and friends are too few."

You Would Never Have Guessed

Captain Kangaroo passed away on January 23, 2004 at age 76 , which is odd, because he always looked to be 76. (DOB: 6/27/27 ) His death reminded me of the following story. 

Some people have been a bit offended that the actor, Lee Marvin, is buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4-star generals at Arlington National Cemetery. His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC). Nothing else. Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time, why the heck does he rate burial with these guys? Well, following is the amazing answer: 

I always liked Lee Marvin, but didn't know the extent of his Corps experiences.

In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces often in rear echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions, Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima There is only one higher Naval award... the Medal Of Honor! 

If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery. 

Dialog from "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson": His guest was Lee Marvin... Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima ..and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded."

"Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the bottom and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi. Bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting shot hauling you down. But, Johnny, at Iwo, I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got the Cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. That dumb guy actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach.. Bullets flying by, with mortar rounds landing everywhere and he stood there as the main target of gunfire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life.

That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, "Where'd they get you Lee?" "Well Bob.... if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!"

Johnny, I'm not lying, Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew. 

The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo."

On another note, there was this wimpy little man (who passed away) on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth. But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV, to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat.

After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore a pacifist. Vowing to never harm another human and also dedicating the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life... He hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm.

America's real heroes don't flaunt what they did; they quietly go about their day-to-day lives, doing what they do best. They earned our respect and the freedoms that we all enjoy. 

Look around and see if you can find one of those heroes in your midst. 

Often, they are the ones you'd least suspect, but would most like to have on your side if anything ever happened.

Take the time to thank anyone that has fought for our freedom. With encouragement they could be the next Captain Kangaroo or Mr. Rogers.

After 40 Years of Marriage

After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'